God is not my Security Blanket nor my Buddy
Oh Friends. There is such a temptation to join the club ... to pretend that God loves thee as an individual, and that God has some kind of kind faced kid to hold thy hand... I don't think it is that easy. God loves, as we all love, in that God is in that which is that in us that loves, but some external father who will help when the world turns against thee ... if thee accepts that Yeshua was Jesus ... well, in order for me to believe that, I would have, not only to turn off that brain that God gave me, ignore the history of my mother's people, but allow myself to knowingly lie to myself, and frankly, I don't think that would cure what ails me.
Folks who should have been dear to me, my immediate family, have lied to me about love from the earliest of my memories, I have no close friends who have not betrayed my trust and friendship ... and so, I don't think that placing my faith in a mythical idol, the objectification of a remarkable rabbi, will replace that love that I deserved, as we all deserve. Not having had that love does not make me turn against God, because I don't kid myself to believe that myth is truth, rather myth describes truth, and pretty poorly at that.
So, I bear the pain of loneliness as long as I can ... muddle through, and that is that. I try to find joy in spite of the consciousness of pain and though I have lost hope, I don't loose faith.